it's still may . . .
I've been very slow getting Mental Health Awareness Month email out. Let's just say a few things got in the way. But even though the month is drawing to a close, I wanted to send a deliberate message about what mental health awareness can look like. And to show off a few new designs and pieces I've been working on.
Not long after I leased my new studio-gallery space here in Olde Towne Moline, I was working long hours getting ready for my “soft opening”. I was tired and not as focused as I should’ve been. I needed some more marketing materials and was cutting the postcards with my “industrial” paper cutter -- the old shear type. I'd previously removed the safety guard, and like everyone who removes a safety guard says, "but I had a good reason!!" But I'd also broken the safety guard while trying to remove it. So here I was, tired and cutting without a safety guard. I don't even need to finish the thought -- you know where it's going. Fortunately, my thumb injury wasn't bad enough to go to the emergency room, but it wasn't pretty. After my initial shock, I did a half-ass first aid job and then commiserated on a group text with my nieces for sympathy.
Done with the day, I went home. Once there, I hid my injury from John while I got myself something to eat. I knew John would be concerned about my injury, but I also knew he would remind me of how careless I am with knives and blades in general. Honestly, I've cut myself more times than I can remember, and yes, I should know better by now. But this night, I was tired, and now cranky, and didn't really want to explain yet another careless, self-inflicted, blade accident. (Which is why I commiserated with my nieces. They don't know how many times I've cut myself!)
Even though I didn’t tell John about the actual injury, I couldn't hide my bad mood from him. After dinner, I noticed the left-over cupcakes from a little celebration earlier in the week. Since I’d already eaten a few of them, (and I’ll eat almost anything made from sugar), I asked John “which cupcake flavor would you like? chocolate or white cake?” to make sure to leave him the one he’d like.
I still love his response. "Angela, if it will make you feel better, you can have whichever cupcakes you like.”
And you know what? That day, a cupcake made me feel better.
But before the sugar kicked in, I had one last cranky comment for John. "Just be glad it’s a normal bad day and not a mental health bad day.” And then, I ate cupcake number two.
Let me just say, I am so grateful for bad days that get better with a cupcake or two. I hadn't had a lot of those in the past few years. I think I had forgotten what they were like. And I'd almost given up hope that I would have them again ... much less any good days.
I've been pretty open and honest about my mental health journey. Recognizing that bad days are normal has been part of that journey. And as I write what has become my annual Mental Health Awareness Month email, I also recognize the change in my head and my life from a year ago.
A year ago, I started my quest for "non-traditional" depression treatment in a Stanford clinical trial. It changed my world. Participating in it wasn't easy, and I'm not saying life has been easy peasy since then. But now, I'm able to be an active participant in my own life, without the overarching shadow of that darkness of depression. And it's the overall dedication to mental health awareness that made this possible. I'm so grateful to all the information, treatment and support that I've gotten from so many people and places through out the years. It's impossible to name them all. I'm also thankful to have support as part of my daily life. And part of that is a husband who offers me all the cupcakes when I have a bad day. It really does make a difference.
I'm also grateful for all of you who reached out to me with support. And yes, equally thankful for those who reached out to me for support when you needed it. I know asking for help isn't easy, but from my perspective It means this conversation about mental health is working, no matter how small it may seem. Thank you for keeping it going.
Mental Health Awareness
I know the month is almost over, but I wanted to do something a little special this year. My treatment at Stanford used a specialized transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) protocol they referred to as SAINT. So, in a nod to the science, the art, and the wonders of the brain, I've created brain charms as necklaces and keychains. A little nerdy? Yeah, mabe. But hey, I'm an engineer too. And who doesn't like a little nerdy sometimes. The charm design is based on my own MRI scans. And the little bullsye? Yep, that's the spot the SAINT protocol was targeting ... the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. And for me, these charms are a nod and thanks to the science, art, brain, and heart that gave me a new view on life.
To give back, just a little, I'll be donating 20% of each sale of brain charms through the end of June (since I'm a little late publishing). 20% of the sale will go to National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI.org). You get to contribute, and you can use the charms as a conversation starter about mental health.
Feel free to share my story, and please keep the conversation going.
And now, as always in May, my ask . . .
Do something deliberate in support of better mental health for all of us.
Here are some ideas:
· reach out - when someone close to you needs support.
· reach out - when you need support.
· donate - to a mental health advocacy / provider group (NAMI is one)
· purchase a brain charm - a portion of the proceeds will go to NAMI, and
· have a conversation about mental health ... the brain charms are a good conversation starter.
Thank you again for being part of my artistic and life journey.
And as I enjoy this holiday wekend, I'm grateful to the soldiers who have sacrificed to keep us safe.
<3 Angela
Please feel free to contact me if you want to chat about my mental health journey or treatment, as well as my art. You can also find out more about the Stanford SAINT protocol here:
· https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2021/10/depression-treatment.html
a short new year’s greeting ...
I don’t usually do themes or words or goals for the new year, but this year is different for me. I’ve decided that my theme for 2023 is learning to be well. I'm using the term “learning” because I think figuring out how to be well never ends. The basics may be the same, if you learned the basics. But over time, our needs change. Why wouldn’t they? Our bodies change and our minds change. And where I am today is where I need to start from. So, for 2023, I’m committed to working on learning to be well.
Do you have a focus for 2023? Reply to this message and let me know.
wishing you love & peace as we start the new year.
my elusive gratitude . . .
I’m sitting here in my new town, in my new favorite coffee shop, and it feels like home. And believe me, I’m not a person who has ever described a new residence as “home”. But from the moment John and I arrived, we’ve been welcomed home. “Welcome home” is the greeting I’ve received, even when I tell new acquaintances that no, I didn’t grow up here. But that phrase has resonated with me, and in no time at all, it feels like home in Moline, Illinois. And I am grateful for all the welcoming – and the feeling that I have another hometown.
The holidays are a season of thankfulness and gratitude. For most of us here in the United States, the season starts with Thanksgiving where we “are supposed to” think about what makes our lives full – and show gratitude. I say we “are supposed to” because for so many of us, gratitude is one of the things that depression steals from our lives. It did for me. If you asked me 6 months ago what I was grateful for, I was hard pressed to come up with even one answer. When my brain told me the lies of depression, and I was told by well meaning friends that I should feel gratitude, it just made me feel worse. Logically, I knew I had so much to be grateful for, and logically, I knew I should feel gratitude – but I didn’t. In in my mind, it just highlighted how defective I was.
Gratitude seems to be all rage lately, not just during the holidays. A quick look on social media will show you mantras like “positive vibes only” or “#blessed”. Gratitue journals are touted as a practice for improving your mindset. I know there is science behind this – taking stock of what you have to be grateful for each day helps to “rewire” your brain connections. It makes sense. But for me, when I'm in the middle of a long bout of depression, gratitude doesn't exist. It can't be found. And all the positivity and encouragement in the world doesn't seem to help. When I am in the midst of darkness, gratitude gets consumed just like light in a black hole.
But this year, as we start the holiday season, I am re-looking at gratitude for two reasons:
right now, in this moment, I know what gratitude is.
be gentle with those who don’t feel gratitude – it might not be their fault.
I’ll address #2 first. Along with all the power of positivity mindsight, another term is gaining popularity – toxic positivity. Yep, I said it. Toxic positivity is basically dismissing hardships, negative emotions, or experiences by continually focusing on only on positive emotions or outcomes. It’s glossing over the bad and ignoring all the hurt – whether it's your own or someone else's. I bring up the topic now because it may be important for you or someone you love during the holidays, when positive and happy vibes are projected – as they should be. But from my experience, all this positivity may unintentionally cause pain.
I’m not saying don’t try make someone feel better who is suffering. What I am saying is, don’t put the expectation on someone that they feel gratitude when they’re in a dark place – no matter how well meaning you are. If you want to help someone who is suffering feel gratitude, try to put yourself in their shoes and try to feel their feelings, no matter how unsettling those feelings may seem to you. Let them express their own pain. Believe me, they will thank you for it, as I have. It may not be in that particular moment, but they will be grateful for it and express it – in their own time.
Back to #2 – my own story. As I begin to set roots in a new hometown, I am grateful, so grateful, to actually feel gratitude. As anyone who suffers from mental illness will tell you – your mental health journey is not a straight line. We’ve been told this from therapists and psychiatrist for years, so much so that it basically cues the proverbial eye roll. So when you are on the journey and see the glimpses of health, you cherish those glimpses. For me, right now, it's more than a glimpse. My world view has changed from dark to light. And with this change, right now, I feel gratitude.
For me, gratitude has been elusive over the last 30+ years. I've thanked others throughout my life and through my depression countless times – for their kindness, caring actions, non-judgmental listening, and support, just to name a few. All of my thanks are genuine. But only recently have I experienced the feeling of gratitude in my life. Gratitude was just one more emotion that I didn't even realize depression had stolen from me.
Gratitude is a positive emotion – and this is new for me.
Every good story has a backstory, and this is no different. This backstory is that I participated in a clinical trial over the summer that gave my life and my gratitude back to me. So when I say I’m grateful for gratitude, I mean it from the bottom of my heart and soul, and more importantly, from my brain. I am learning new things every day that I’m grateful for.
For me, the rewiring, or re-awakening of my brain literally happened first, then the gratitude. Yes, there have been times when I felt thankful for the blessings in my life. You've probably read about those times if you've been following along my journey. But this is different. The claritiy I now have in my brain allows me to truly experience gratitude – as a positive emotion. And I'm grateful to all the contributors to this science and to those who helped give this gift to me. I'm also grateful to everyone who has been with me on my journey to find this clarity. I don't know how long it will last, because that's the realist in me. The person who has been in a dark place more times than I can count. But for now, I am grateful for my gratitude. And I am grateful for you.
In that spirit, and in the spirit of the holiday season, I'd like to share glimpses of my gratitude with you. And maybe my sharing will help you reflect on what is good in your own life, without dismissing the hardships we all face.
the power of the dog
freelove ... and me ... on the move
It’s finally autum, I think, but here in California the temps are still well into the 90’s. Thankfully, the cooler nights, and mornings, help make it feel like fall. I'll be honest, I'm kind of done with summer. I know we all go through it, but this summer had it's challenges for me. But I’m here on the other side and better for it. And I can honestly say, I'm excited for what’s to come. As I look back, even in the midst of the challenges, there were highlights I'm grateful for. One example, Jessie and Blake in the photo here. Congrats newlyweds!
freelove … at High-Hand Gallery thru Oct. 23
First, thank you for braving the heat in July to come to the unveiling of my freelove collection at High-Hand Gallery. I loved the face-to-face connection that we can finally have after such a long time. And a special bit of gratitude for Gail and Ken who made the trip from Reno. You truly touched my heart with your own freelove.
You may know, High-Hand Gallery holds a special place in my heart. But it's time again to say goodbye (again). My artwrork will be available here through Sunday, October 23rd. Come by Sunday October 9th or Sunday October 16th when I'll be working to say hello … and goodbye.
freelove … on my website
My artwork is now available for sale on my website www.AngelaRidgway.com. You may purchase wall hearts here, and, I've added heart pendants to the freelove collection. These little gems are a casual way to show your own freelove while you are on the move – out and about. All prices on my website include shipping, so send that freelove out into the world!
freelove … in the pacific northwest
I’m so happy ... my freelove hearts are now available at Attic Gallery in Camas, Washington. I love everything about this gallery, and town. If you are reading this in the pacific northwest, get out to see Attic Gallery, and say hello to Maria & Tommer. You’ll be glad you did.
freelove . . . and me . . . in Illinois . . . coming soon!
Life brings surprises, and this summer we had a surprise of our own. John and I have the opportunity to move closer to family, so we decided to take it. We’re looking forward to new experiences in Illinois – on the banks of the Mississippi River. I’ll be jumping into this life change with my eyes and my heart wide open. We don’t have a move date yet, but I'm sure it’ll be here before we know it. We have a place waiting for us there, and our home in Roseville is on the market. As soon as we get a buyer, we’ll pack it up and move. freelove and all.
freelove … for Christmas
I know, it seems too early to think about, but if there’s a heart you are thinking about, for yourself or as a gift, please don’t wait. Christmas is right around the corner, and once we are on the move, my art will be too. I may not be able to access my some of my art while it, and we, are on the way to our new home in Illinois. I’d hate to disappoint you.
freelove … from me
wow! That seems like a lot! But I'm sure the next few months will zip by. I'm hoping not too quickly though, so I'm able to take time to savor the connections here before we start the next chapter of our journey. I have treasured every interaction, and am thankful for technology that lets me stay connected with you. I'll still be making art, sending you emails, and sending out freelove.
💗 Angela
freelove ... what's in the name?
When I began creating the hearts for my newest collection, I wanted to honor them in a special way. I thought about what they represent, and wanted a name that did them justice. I think freelove wraps it up perfectly ...
My freelove collection represents hearts and love of all kinds. This may be love for others, or love for ourselves. It may be love of a passion or a heart full of love for a pet. It just might be a broken heart that comes only when we have loved freely.
Freelove Chevolette Enicks was my great grandmother who was born in 1870. (Yes! Freelove was her given name.) Growing up, I didn’t hear many stories about her. But the one story my dad would tell, was that his grandmother would correct anyone who mispronounced her name. “It’s not free-love, it’s fre-love!” By this point, my dad would have a smile on his face and I could see the love in his eyes for his grandmother. Needless to say, Freelove and her name have always had a special place in my heart.
Freelove’s name must have seemed quite scandalous for a woman in that era. So I can understand why she may have down-played the free-love part of her name. But I adore the free-love pronunciation. And I love that on that day in 1870, Freelove’s parents had the inspiration to give her that loving name. Even though I never met Freelove, based on the look on my father’s face, I could see that he, and my grandmother, felt loved by her. And through them, I feel that love too.
I do believe love should be given, and received, freely. Through my freelove collection, I want to share some of this love. I hope the hearts bring to mind thoughts and feelings of love you have experienced in your own life. Love for yourself, love for others, or love for a place or time … and even love that breaks your heart. Because sometimes, a broken heart means we have truly loved.
one small step
MAY IS MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH
If you haven’t heard, there is a mental health crisis in the U.S. Mental illness encompasses depression, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, addiction, anxiety, just to name a few. You may struggle with one of these or know someone who does – even if they hide it. And as difficult as it may be to get medical treatment today, it is even worse to try to get mental health treatment. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
As someone who struggles with this myself, I’m hopeful and saddened to hear talk about it. I’m hopeful because it helps to raise the awareness that this is a real illness.
even on a good day
Your brain is an organ in your body and just like any organ, it can stop working properly. This is a concept that isn’t easily understood, especially when it comes to thoughts. This is true even for me. But just like it controls your body's movements, your brain controls your thoughts. And sometimes your brain is out of whack.
I’m also saddened when I hear more talk about depression because many times it comes in the wake of a famous person succumbing to the illness. And I’ll be honest, when I hear of celebrity who dies by suicide, my first thought is “if <insert famous name here> couldn’t survive with all their resources, what’s my chance of surviving this?”
inside my head
I don’t know the answer to that question. I just know that in the midst of an episode, my brain lies to me and tells me “it’s hopeless”, “you’ll feel like this forever”, “even if you get better, it will come back even worse”. And the most disheartening lie is “what’s the point of going on?” If you’ve never experienced this, it can be really hard to understand the enormity of
these thoughts. It doesn’t matter what you have or who you have, the thoughts still creep in. I've used the phrase “your brain lies to you” before, so when Ashley Judd used similar language to describe what was going on with her mother Naomi, I could completely relate.
I’m writing this today in a good state of mind. But 2 weeks ago, those lies were in creeping into my head … again. It wasn’t the worst it's ever been, but it was my darkness telling me “you’ll never escape me.” So, I’m telling you about this again. And I'll keep telling you so you recognize it and hopefully understand, even just a little bit better. I'll tell you so that if you are struggling, you know there are people who love you, and that you are not alone. And I'll keep telling you so that you know someone struggling, you will understand a little better and not judge them … but be there when they need it … and always. I’m also hoping you will take some action.
Now the ask …
As part of Mental Health Awareness Month, I’m to asking you do do something. Take some action, no matter how small.
Maybe you have a conversation with a friend or loved one who suffers from mental illness to learn more about what they go through.
Maybe you check in on someone that has isolated themselves recently. If you are the one who suffers, maybe you start a conversation with a close ally.
just be here
Maybe you come up with a ‘code’ to let your family know when you aren’t in the state of mind to explain what’s going on. Something like ‘hiccup’ or ‘glimpse’. (I used a random word generator to get these … and yes, there is a random word generator!) It doesn’t matter what the word is. Maybe it’s numbers, like ‘999’. Whatever it is, it might be easier to text the word ‘hiccup’ than ‘I need you because my brain is lying to me and I’m in the dark place again.” You get the idea.
Maybe you learn more about the diseases by reading about it online.
Every small step is a step in the right direction. And I'm always amazed at how far my small steps will actually carry me.
If you’ve been following my art, you may know that a few years ago, I created a series of sculpture and prose based on my own experiences with depression. I’ve reposted the collection on my website. Take a look. I’ve been told it does a good job at expressing what others experience too. If something speaks to you, I’d love to hear about how and why. Please send me an email.
For the first time, I’ve made images of the artwork available as acrylic wall prints and the book when darkness comes available as a digital download. Please go to my website for more information. In support of Mental Health Awareness, for each item purchased (print, book, original art) through June 30, 2022, I will donate $10 to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI.org).
If you are still reading this, thank you. I appreciate you being here. This is a tough but important topic that's deeply personal to me. That said, I am working to release some new art this summer. And this is very exciting for me! I hope it will be for you too. Here's another peak.
Thanks again for listening, and please, take one small step …
💗 Angela
speaking of hearts
It seems like hearts are a theme for me right now. Do you remember Stan? Stan is the metal man I created a few years ago. Stan was in need of a heart and he found his when Otis, his companion dog, was created. Stan's heart was created out of the same material as Otis to symbolize the love he had gained. Stan and Otis lived together at 1813 Capitol Ave in Midtown Sacramento for about 4 years. Last May, Otis was stolen from this public spot and since then, Stan has been alone – arms outstretched waiting for his companion to come home. I think it was a sign of the times ... we’ve all been a little isolated and alone for the last couple of years. 😔 And even though Stan is made of metal, he's no different. Stan's heart has been broken and is longing for a companion to love and to greet him.
If you’ve ever had a pet, you know that each one is irreplaceable in your heart. And even though Otis was made of metal, he was no different. Who would have thought that a metal dog could bring so much joy to those around him. He was crafted with dedication and yep, love. Otis is irreplaceable. Even if I could do the hands-on metal work, I still wouldn’t be able to create another Otis. It was a design-as-you-go and let-your-heart-be-your-guide process and sculpture. There were no blueprints and really, not even any drawings.
But now, I’m working on a new companion for Stan. My goal in creating his new companion isn’t to bring Otis back, but to create a companion that is a constant reminder of Otis. Maybe the new companion is related to Otis, so has some of his characteristics but with a new twist. I think of it as a way to honor Otis’s memory without trying to replace him.
When I found out Otis had been stolen, I didn't think I would ever be able to create another companion for Stan. But now I'm learning a new way to create using computer aided design (CAD), computer drawings, cutout materials, and the help of others for some of the more physical labor my shoulder shouldn’t do. It’s been a steep learning curve … that’s for sure. I’ve gone from excited at the possibilities to frustrated at the roadblocks. And then, luckily, back to excited as I figure out and learn how to overcome those roadblocks. Last week, I created a 3D model of Stan’s new companion (my first model!!). I have to say, I’m pretty proud of myself (for the moment anyway).
I’ve sent the files off to the fabricator and hoping that I’ve done a good job spec’ing out what needs to be done. I’m definitely relying on some of my old engineering skills to do this. And believe me, they’re old. It’s been over 30 years since I used a CAD program. (yikes!) Luckily the tools are friendlier today and the internet exists to help get me through the process.
Now, I’m waiting excitedly and anxiously to hear back on how I did with the specs, and for the start of the fabrication process. You can follow along on Facebook and Instagram to see how this process goes. And I’ll definitely let you know here when the new dog is ready to meet Stan. Do you think Stan’s heart will be full? I know mine will.
Read the story of stan & otis on my website blog.
And speaking of full hearts, I couldn’t have been happier with my recent Valentine project. This year, I wanted to send out greetings of love since it’s been such tough times for the world, each other, and yeah, it’s been tough for me. I was grateful that this year I was (and am) in a mindset that I could do this. Sending out love is a great way to nurture love, and I’m working on getting better at this.
Surprising to me were the responses I received. Thank you!! I treasured every individual connection in emails, in social media, in texts, in person, and the biggest surprise were the valentines and cards I received in return. (add full heart emoji here…💗) I heard ‘it’s been years since I’ve gotten a valentine,’ ‘what a wonderful gift,’ and ‘my daughter loved getting her own valentine.’ I even loved and appreciated the message that said ‘I just wanted to let you know, I never received a Valentine,’ so I could remedy that. And I loved that I sent cards to people I’ve never met in person and some I’ve never connected with before … even to Calgary, Canada (the farthest place).
I had so much fun sending out the Valentine’s cards that I am planning on doing this next year ... and maybe making it an annual tradition. I even created a new internet domain name for it. (I’ll share that later when it’s ready.) So if you missed out this year, you can still sign up for next year. The link on my website is still active or click the button below. If you weren’t sure if this was a scam, or didn’t want to be a bother this year, sign up for next year … please! And yes, pass it on again to anyone who would like a Valentine card sent their way.
Most importantly, I want to say thank you for all I received in return. It was a blessing that filled my heart with love.
💗Angela
the most meaningful gift of all...
[this is a posting from December 2019]
This time last year, I still had a dark cloud over me, and the holidays terrified me. I was worried about feeling alone, so my husband and I went to a place where I wouldn’t have the chance to be alone … home. Well, actually my husband’s hometown, but after 20+ years together, it feels like home to me too. Surrounding myself with family and making sure there was no chance for me to actually be alone was my way of coping. Thankfully, it worked. Even though there was still a dark cloud, the holidays were fun and I managed to sidetrack that overwhelming feeling of aloneness that can come with depression. But this year, I have a much different outlook.
For over a year, I have been on a healing journey, hoping to make it through to the other side of darkness. And it has been exasperating at times. As a logical thinker, I want my journey to be linear… as I start getting better and feeling better, I want to stay on that path. But healing isn’t linear. As a creative thinker, I understand this, but it doesn't mean I like it.
My healing started off with one 'ok' day followed by some more 'awful' days, which made me feel like I really wasn't getting better. Then I started having 'good' days (better than just 'ok'), and then 'bad' days (not as bad as awful days). As my good days started outnumbering and outweighing my bad days, I realized that I had felt good for days, then for a week. I didn't really notice while it was happening, but when I turned around and looked back, I could see how far I'd come. And today, I look back and realize how far through that journey I have progressed. For me, it started with simple things … making breakfast one morning; making coffee each day; laughing at something funny. These might sound small, but these are the things that many days, I had forgotten about.
One of the most meaningful things that happened during this process was that my brain started recognizing beauty again. I live in a home with a beautiful view looking down at Washougal and the Columbia River, and with an amazing view of Mt. Hood. For some time, I didn't really look at that view, or care about it. Then, one day, I noticed it again. The light was just right and I noticed how amazing it was that day. And while I’m thankful for that amazing view, I was, and am, more grateful to really see it and notice it. I think it is the best gift I could get this year.
my heart is happy ... that my brain recognizes beauty again
I am still close enough to the darkness that I remember it, and it still scares me. (And I still have bad days.) But I am trying not to let that fear cloud what I see and do daily.
I won't get into everything that went into my healing process, but I couldn't be where I am without friends, family, doctors, and therapists who didn’t give up on me, and were there when I needed it…whether they knew that's what they were doing or not. Thank you.
And as good as it feels to be in a better place, I know the holidays are a struggle for many. So, as you get into your own holiday and celebrations, please, don’t forget those those who might be feeling out of sorts and alone. Reach out to them and let them know they aren’t. A little human connection can do wonders.
my holiday wish for you…
my holiday wish for you is that your brain recognizes the beauty around you, and that your heart is happy.
and as always, thank you for your interest in my artwork, and my journey.
happy holidays... Angela
what heals your heart?
connections help heal your heart
There are many reasons your heart can be broken … loss of a loved one or pet, a relationship break up, a missed opportunity that you had your heart set on, an illness or injury that keeps you or someone you love from living a full life, just to name a few. I’ve shared with you some of my reasons, and in return, you've shared some of yours with me. But what helps to heal your heart ... and mine?
Throughout my rough patch these last 8 months, I have relied heavily on loved ones (friends and family) to help me. For me, this by far has been the biggest factor in helping to heal my heart. Loved ones checked in with me on a daily and weekly basis, or sporadically calling and texting to say "hi, how are you doing today?" When I reached out to them, they responded no matter what they were doing. Even if the response was “I’m here. I can’t talk right now, but I'll get right back to you.” I poured my heart and soul out and no one turned me away. They listened, even if the whole conversation was tear filled on my side. Crying is definitely a symptom of depression, and it's not necessarily about what is really happening. My family and friends let me cry and be vulnerable, and didn’t judge me. And checked in with me again later.
These ‘connections’ in my world kept me and keep me going. These connections in my life helped start the healing of my heart. And these connections are still helping my heart heal.
connections help heal your heart …
our connections help heal our hearts
When I started making art again, I wanted to create something that would be easy on my still healing shoulder (from surgery in November). And I wanted to create something meaningful to me too. So I began a series of ‘healing hearts’ … heart art signifying the healing process. The first idea was a heart broken into two halves, with the metal ‘dots’ representing the connections in our lives that help heal our hearts. I expanded that idea because sometimes your heart isn’t just broken in two...sometimes it feels shattered. But our connections in life help pull those pieces together and hold them there. Our hearts are never the same, but they can be just as beautiful mended with all of our loved ones helping to keep our heart together.
turn your broken heart into wings … and fly
turn your broken heart into wings … and fly
As I was creating these ‘healing hearts’ I noticed that the two halves of the heart looked like wings. And my thought was that wings made from our broken hearts could help us fly. So, that is exactly what I am doing with these ‘healing hearts’ … turning my broken heart into wings, so I can fly again.
not your average holiday blog...
After my last blog and email to you, I was amazed and humbled by the heartfelt responses I received. From you, who have experienced depression and grief first hand. From you, who have loved ones with mental illness and agonize over their well being. From you, who have lost your fur baby and understand the hole it leaves in your heart. And from you, who sent support and concern for me. Thank you for sharing and making yourself vulnerable too…for 'daring greatly'. It’s not easy to open up about what’s really going on in your heart…and head. So thank you…again.
just a laugh…
When I started writing my ‘daring greatly’ email, I was still in the throes of depression. Gradually, that feeling began to lift, and then, one day, I laughed. It was just a laugh, but I noticed it immediately. And I recognized it was something I hadn’t done for a while. And that made me realize that I was feeling better. There are still moments of sadness and grief over losing Bodie …almost everyday. I miss that dog with all my heart. And there is still a cloud, but I recognized that I am able to feel happiness and joy again. It was just a laugh, but I am thankful for it and what it signifies for me.
even on a good day…
After that, I had planned to write about all the little things in life that can bring us joy…like laughter. I had intended to write about all those little things that we forget about or don’t recognize that let us know things are okay. I even wrote most of the email. But I still had a nagging feeling inside and the writing didn’t feel authentic. I wanted to tell you, and believe, that all you have to do is look for those little things in life that bring you joy. And fundamentally I believe that, but I also know it can be more complicated than that. I saw this quote on Facebook recently, and it conveys this perfectly, and sarcastically:
Then, at some point, I realized that it’s ok for me to feel this way. I know there are many things in my life that I'm grateful for and that bring me joy. But I'll admit, I don’t always notice them. Some days, I notice them more than others. It’s the nature of the illness of depression (and life). It can consume me, it can come in fits and waves, it can be an overarching feeling, or it can leave me. My struggle, and for others like me, is to keep those feelings of gratefulness, purpose, and joy on a regular basis.
my daily game of chess...
Just like my last email, I’m not telling you all of this to make you feel sorry for me, it's so you can recognize this struggle in yourself and/or others. So you know it’s okay if you aren’t feeling the warm and fuzzies everyday … especially during the holidays. And I want to let others in my life know that even if it doesn’t seem like it, I'm grateful for everything I do have… my husband, my home, my family, my friends, and warm emails and messages from you.
purpose and gratitude...
As my mood has ridden a roller coaster the last 5 months, I have been able to work on some of my art, before and after shoulder surgery (yes, another shoulder surgery!). Working on this piece gave me something to focus on and feel productive doing. And because it's a commission project (a big one at that), there was more of a sense of urgency to work on it. The size itself has been a challenge for me...it’s about 5’x5’ and weighs over 50 lbs. But I think I have risen to the task, especially with some help maneuvering it! I have even been painting left handed after the surgery (yep, right shoulder surgery). I think that's creating new pathways in my brain!
I'm also grateful for my art, and for my clients who want my artwork in their homes. Thank you Becky and Tony!
My wish for you is a holiday full of happiness. We all deserve that in our lives. But if you’re having a tough time, I hope you find moments of joy and gratitude. It might be difficult, but I’m right here with you. And every day, I see and embrace a little more. Hopefully, you will too.
thanks again for listening,
and thanks for just being here.
Angela
daring greatly
the story of Stan & Otis
"Bringing light to dark places"
I was touched by the wonderful response to my latest feature show when darkness comes. I never imagined that my art and prose would connect with so many people. At the reception in May, several people spoke with me about their own struggles with depression, and how my work resonated with their own experiences. Some spoke to me about loved ones who struggle, and how they could see aspects of them in my art. And at least one gallery visitors told me the show opened her eyes to issues she really didn't know much about.
when darkness comes
I'm a perpetual postponer ...
I'm a procrastinator…I admit it. A perpetual postponer, a putter offer, a prolonger. It's my nature. Sometimes, I break free from this norm and get things done early. When I do, I celebrate. I think to myself “I can do this all the time!” This might last a few days, maybe a week. But then, I am right back to putting things off again.
A Cornucopia Of ..
Last weekend, one of my friends confessed that cornucopia is her favorite word. I have to agree that it’s a great word … in both sound and meaning. As Carol says … it just feels good rolling off your tongue. Go ahead … say it 3 times in a row … out loud! cornucopia – cornucopia – cornucopia! Feels g00d doesn’t it? (Carol’s gonna love this blog!)
Embracing Public Art
I’m excited to finally announce that my sculpture embrace your inner light will be installed as public art in Beaverton, Oregon later this week! The City of Beaverton and the Beaverton Downtown Association chose this piece after seeing it at Art On Broadway Gallery in Beaverton. If you are in the area, I’d like to invite you to the sculpture dedication on Wednesday, November 9th at 4pm.
